Intention

What is my intention for doing something? What drives you? What makes you do something?At first it seems so clear. The reason I do things because it benefits me.Most of the time my action is a calculated one but it seems these days I do things spontaneously and I am afraid where it is going to lead me and I keep falling deeper and deeper.I know the things that I do will hurt me even more but even so I keep doing it.

I am trying to find an explanation on why I do what I do. So I went different path trying to get the answer. I realized that I can't barreling through life being ignorant when there is so many question I have unanswered. I thought that by learning philosophy I might discovered something,maybe I can learn something from the Greek,from the age of human and I realized they're all talking the same thing going in a circle. They can't answer my questions. I feel more restless than before.

So I thought the more tangible path will bring me answer. So I learn economics and even though I love it that much it doesn't answer my question. I think the most important principle in economics is everyone do stuff that benefits them. You have to keep this in mind in everything that you do and answer in question. For awhile I adored Milton Friedman.I thought that everything could be explained logically.What a foolish thought.

Recently someone that I like get sick. So I did something for him but before each action that I did I question my intention. For what reason am I doing this? Is it for my benefit? I know that each time I am doing, I making it harder for myself but I keep doing it? So was it to my benefit? But what if there is improper intention? What if I can't bring myself to admit it? So I thought long and hard... and I finally just think to myself that I can't let somebody that I care be sick and I can't pretend that I don't care when I care. It is so cold to do something like that and foolish to pretend otherwise. So I did do the stuff with knowing that it wouldn't benefit me...and there is no reason why I did it.I can't forgive myself for that. I already set expiry date for all of these but until then just a little bit more time for me...Kant used to said that the noble things to do is when you do it under obligation and not under what you desire. In my case is it obligation or desire? Was my action noble? or was it stupid?

Well anyway,I think the song that fits this week is by Regina Spektor "Fidelity"