a)forgive and forget b) forgive but remember c) neither

so as exactly the title , somebody who makes my life hell for a year,who makes me cry once, who makes me feel like the lowest creature in earth,makes me feels that my life is turning so bad,makes me feel doubt about everyone on earth,makes my usually nonchalant self destroyed suddenly ask for forgiveness admitting that she was chilidsh, tell me..... what am i supposed to do?

after all the pain and suffering, how easy for her to ask for my forgiveness. To me that is so insufficient. To me that is not sincere at all. Does she really mean it? I am torn between the thoughts that once you forgive a person it is easier to forget and live happily than being trapped in a box full with hate. The thing is i don't want to forgive her,I don't want to forget what she has done to me but by being that i am the loser here? I hate her. I hate her soooo much by making me feel like this.

Well in conclusion i will never gave her the satisfaction by saying i forgive her. I won't. I just can't. It is something that I am not capable and beyond my capabilites. She may forget but i'll never. Just by sending a message through msn doesn't mean retribution. It just doesn't cut it. So yeah....I have limits and she just passed it and got sued and noticed and judged and sealed forever in the black box in my mind.

it's one of those personality test

well my sister send this thing this morning. i had a fever yesterday and a really bad cold yesterday, so i'm not feeling too well this morning and i also accidentaly missed my class.*i'm sorry prof schnelle*




now rate these animal from 1-5 with 1 being the you like the most.



describe what you think or feel about coffee ,sea,dog,cat and rat.

and lastly among all these color,pick one friend for each color.



My answer is

1. i choose tiger,horse,sheep,cow and lastly pig*it is so obvious i choose pig lastly*

well tiger represent pride,horse represent family,sheep represent love,cow represent career and pig represent money.

well i can't believe love comes first before career and money.1 year ago it was all of that before love. heh i become more sentimental as i grow up.


2. dog- loyal,friendly,fun( this is yourself actually) Yep! that what i am.

cat-narcisstic,comforting(this is your partner) Well how can a guy be narcisstic and comforting at the same time. I must like really twisted kinda guys.

rat- pesticide,disgusting ( this is your enemy ) Oh what better word can suit my enemy that she is disgusting and a pesticide.If there is pesticide control for those kind of people I'll make sure I give them a call.

coffee-yummy,smells good,relaxing ( this is how interpret sex) Well coffee is better than sex. * at least for now* hehehe. on a side note, that coffee pic i read about it in times.The coffee that they make in the shop are really special. They make the cream specially for you and even create shapes with the creamer.The shape cream in the coffee in the pic is leaf. They can make heart and a bunch of other shapes too! It is so cool. I'll make sure i'll drop by the coffee shop when i go to NYC.

sea- wide,open,free,calm( this is your life) Ahhh my life is good. That is exactly what i want in my life.Among all of the description I like how i describe sea the best.


3. for colors
i choose yellow for sonic ( yellow is someone you never forget for the rest of your life)*hey ya sonic it's not a question if i can forget about you anymore,i can't. i'm cursed to remember you forever till eternity*

i choose orange for weda ( orange is your true friend) * wow weda you are eh ?*

i choose white for ana( this is your twin soul* ana is born on the same auspicious day as me,october 18*) but she still a baby!maybe it is myself reborn?hahaha just kidding.

i choose green for aida( green represent someone who you will remember forever)* sure i will since she is my bestfriend*

and for red nobody fit the color.*luckily because it represent someone you love because i don't have one*

Friend for good and bad

Well i heard kind of a bad news this morning but it wasn't unexpected. It was inevitable but only the people who in it doesn't realized it. Well actually, I love my friends and would be there day and night but it's not an unconditional love. What i mean by conditional is there is a sense of give and take in the relationship and with her it seems that i am only cushion for bad times which isn't really what i wanted. Am i to support her only through bad times and when the good times comes I am to forget about?



I feel sorry for her seriously but I don't want be friend for comfort,I want to be a friend.It seems the everytime this kind of thing happened she sucks energy out of me. I need to rush to her,provide entertaiment and so much more. It's like she's a baby. Thing that sicks me is that whenever things like this happened she only thinks that this stuff only happens to her and she didn't have the sense enough to see that this will be over. She don't have the courage to pull herself out the tide. She worsen the condition by letting herself down. I saw how she couldn't do a simple quiz just because of that. I know i shouldn't said "just because that", i am a third party and i am objective but i've been through times like this.Yes i did cried a lot but only that one moment and i told myself to say i am better than this and god give me obstacle so i'll be stronger one day. That two things is the most important keyword in my life. I can never live my life if i don't believe in that.



Tell me why should i do all of this when she's happy she doesn't need me?My life is stable right now and i pretty much like it the way it is. I face all my problems and make peace with whatever necessary and i did clean up my closet.I throw away all the junks that i don't need and i am organized right now.I love my life currently even though it feels a little bit lonely * yep it's weda,sonic, adeeb, esa and sala*But i am alright right now. Thank you my small cluster of friends that helps me through good and bad.

security

what does it really mean and how does it affect us as an individual? To Bush who's really afraid of terrorist when in fact he is really is just a frat boy who can't deal with the real issue such as the swelling of economy,poverty,no kid left behind and katrina is hiding behind all those stupid terrorism issue. As an individual I relatively have a high sense of security and healthy self esteem


However over the summer a lot of things have happened and i am a liar if i said it didn't affected me one bit. It affected me much more than i like. It is seeping through my wall and unconsiously destroying the balance. Right now i keep thinking, do i make people hate me once they know me? am i being a hypocrite? what do people expect from me? Do I drive people away from me? the thing that worried me the most is will she have a grudge with me someday?


I try my best to be nice to everyone i met. My words does not mean any harm and i am just frank to a point. I am very straight forward person and when people couldn't handle that it just drives me nuts. Should i create white lies just to make you feels comfortable around me? I can't imagine that. I expected my friend to be open to me or else i feel a wall between my friend and me and i can sense it.

I perfectly know the limit of each person if she didn't say one thing and do another. I respect the privacy of each person and i try my best trying to determine what a person needs. I constantly trying to be affable but I guess that when you travel and meet people you realized people are just not what you expected. They can be mean,hypocrite,and confusing. Some people are nice. They come unexpected and you never think you can be close to them but they did.

One more thing i realized that i can be "them". I can't be a part of the group. It is just not me. It sadden me to a great degree that i can't fit in. I have other ideas and different sort of opinion and feeling that i just couldn't share with them

I am glad that i got these off my chest. I feel a lil bit better talking about this. I didn't want to write this kind of vague feelings blogs because it makes my blogs too private and maybe you couldn't understand it. Then again i am not the kind of people who writes what happens each day in my life. I bottled everything up and keep them for a few weeks before deciding to do something about it. Memory become vague and it become unnecessary after a few weeks.