pop for rainy day or maybe snowy day

as you might have noticed by now that i only updated my blog on saturday morning.it is snowy today. i love how the snow swirls around and around before finally setting down on a spot.well i found this song that you are currently listening while browsing my friend blog. it is interesting,simple and unpretentious or so that is how i perceived it. it is indie pop and althought it doesn't exactly sound like the complicated malay song which i loathe because to me a good song only need a few word to convey its meaning and to me malay song used too many poetic word that it confused me.to me malay song is composed with commercial in mind without a purposed.i despised such creation. i prefer indonesian song.simple word with meaning that each person can intrepret.some people might find this difficult but to me it's how the lyric bonded with the music that makes it easy to understand. this song is by 1900 yesterday,an indie indonesian band. the title is apa yang akan terjadi

this is the lyrics

ooo indah nian menawan
menanti rembulan datang
oo indah nian di taman
duduk kita berduaan
apa yang akan terjadi
jikalau rembulanku tertutup awan hitam
apa yang akan terjadi
jikalau rembulan ku tertutup awan hitam
ooh kita saling berjanji
untuk sehidup semati
oo apa yang kan terjadi
jikalau diriku mati
apa yang akan terjadi
jikalau aku mati
meninggalkan dirimu
apa yang akan terjadi
jikalau aku mati meninggalkan dirimu
Cuma kamu,hanya kamu
di hati ku
hanya kamu
yang ku mahu
hanya kamu
kan berada di samping ku
di sampingku
menungguku..

since my friend give me this great idea since i prefer changing the sound in background than writing a blog and sonic bugs me every saturday morning before going to work to update my blog.i might as well write what this song is about. Well this is how interpret this song,it may not be accurate but hey this is my opinion. Imagine that we are sitting in a beautiful garden * which actually means the best time or place in our life that time* You and me together waiting for something to happen * predictively something that is good and wonderful : like a wedding i supposed* What if something bad happen to us . The sentence jikalau rembulan tertutup awan hitam means if a misfortune incident happen to us. what is going to happen since we already promised to be together.You can see by now that the write doesn't offer any answer to the question because no one knows what would happen if something like that happen. He only say please remember that i will have only you and you only in my mind and she's the only want he want and because he knows she's waiting for him. isn't that the highest compliment and recognition anyone could gave? what i meant by this, if you don't love somebody you wouldn't care if somebody wait for you. you would "arrgh let he waits for me, i don't care.my time isn't wasted". if you always kept a thought at the back of your mind that no matter what happen i will always love you because i know how long and much have you suffer in the waiting process. This is as i say an unpretentious song.It cuts all those crap that usually can be found in typical malay pop song which is " biarpun aku menderita,ku tahu kau menungguku" you know all those crap that i find so unnecessary.i have no idea what this song means to me now for the long run it is a good song to keep.

my addiction

everyone has an addiction. be it money,clothes or food. my addiction is to books,caffeine and drama. i buy books , it is calming and i like seeing rows of books.do you the most calming place to me is libary?books are stable and resilient and even though they are fragile enough to be affected by weather they sustain to last through century.so that is why i like the concept of books.weird huh? if i like one author i'll try my best to collect each every books that he writes. my addiction to caffeine *not from coke* pure caffeine from coffee starts the first day i went to school when i was 7. my mom drink nescafe and every morning since i have to wake up at 5 am and went to school by 6am my mom gave me nescafe.i rarely spend time with mom because i am just not the type who shares things and tell story to my mom. so every morning session drink coffee is where a moment my mom and i can sit together and drink coffee. it's not the caffeine that makes me addicted to it although i have been known to throw tantrum if i don't have coffee :p drinking coffee is more like a reminiscence to my memory. drinking coffee in a hurry is not enjoyable.you need to inhale the smell and embrace the bitter taste. ooh i like my coffee to be bitter.i hate sweet coffee. i like my coffee dark and bold. my another addiction is to drama. well there is a factor of cute actors but you see if you watch a jdrama which is more illogical because it is impossible something like that happen but it is inspiring. you see jdrama is more episodic with each episode ha a clear purpose. jdrama is supposed to make you realised that life can offer so much more if you realised what around you.it makes you to think twice of things around you. kdrama is more like a never ending love story. it's a bit of grown up. believing that out there somewhere somehow even if he is a mean guy outside* which mean he is lonely and has a very sad story behind it which i don't really believe.a mean guy is just a mean guy* love can happens.hahahhaa.fairytale dumb story but entertaining to watch simple because the guy is more gorgeous. so there my addiction

my orgasmic roomate

i actually promised my housemate that i am going to write about them.so i'm going to start telling you about a girl who has the same major as me,as wacky as me,perverter than me and has a more distorted mind than me. she is nabilah fatin abdul rahim. she went to florida with me,she went to chicago twice with me and we are probably going back on the same plane to msia this summer. i start knowing her on the first day of ess. i never knew i that i am going to be close with her. she exudes the aura of innoncent but god knows behind that is a devilish mind. i live in her room for half year,sleep together and went dinner.so imagine how close i am to her.

the second most important role in my house is sonic aka anis but heck i never call her anis except to make fun.according to mud she is the pervertest of all of us which is pretty funny because she isn't that perverted.perhaps the boys were fool but *ahem* the name that cannot be spoken.hahhaha.well anyway she's wacky too. it is insane that anyone living in my house is indeed insane. she partnered with me to kick nabilah ass. she is our driver to go to shopping and such stuff. she also collects all sorts of stuff.her desk is full with souvenirs. sonic is klutzy but endearingly cute and so all is forgiven and forgotten.

my unofficial housemate is yasmine. look at her.you can imagine she's saying to me," ooh jurai you're writing about me?" yup that is yasmine.she always come around eating cereal and trying to make us healty and be a vegetarian.yasmine is full with spirit and always on the go. now she never gave up on people.always trying to make people wake up early and said "you guys sleeps so much" .yasmine has her own style which is funny especially when she starts laughing at her own joke or thing that she do.she try to tease people but it is so cheesy that makes you rolls your eyes and said" yasmine".when it comes to yasmine it's like everyone goes, that yasmine... ooh and remember her name is yasmine with an e!

the last but not the least is the fantastical duo of my house.seri and weda. you cannot said their name without saying the other one. you see they go back to malaysia every single holiday.they will be graduating this summer.when everybody is out i can always count on them to keep me company unless there is sale. you see they love shopping so much. 90% of the shoes in the house belong to them. but the best thing about their habit is you can borrow their stuff and you can always count on them on giving the best advice on clothers.yes they are superb.not to mention their culinary skill is expert level. and there you go my official and not official roomates

our sense of identity

as i was sitting in furman halls listening to mr teloh(he's a yankee so we can call him mr teloh) sleepy because i didn't get enought dose of caffein this morning something that he say caught my attention. he was saying how geography,culture and the neighbourhood we live give us a sense of identity. you see lately i was thinking about my identity problem but before this i didn't know this is called empty self which means the meaning of existentence. now i may not be so sure why i exist for but before i can answer my reason of existence i need to ask first who am i? There is a set of identity that i inherit but do i really integrate this set of identity that i inherit? I am first and always a muslim which i am very proud to be. Although i am not religiously follows everything but in a sense yes i am a practising muslim and there is a set of boundary and identity that comes with it. The second i most identify is i am a malay. But i can't figure out what sense am i malay? Am i malay only because my parents have malay inheritance? or because i am malay because i have olive skin? Do i inherit the tradition and really practise it? I don't believe in the concept of extended family and i despise my extended family. Malay as i know identified themselves with family heritage.In my search to become modern i disassociate myself from the tradition,from the traditional role. I refused to be generalised. I refused to accept family history and i refused to acknowledge the stories of my ancestors even though it is painted with colorful color with interesting stories and fact.I refused to believe each time my father told me something about my ancestors. I want to be like other people but at the same time i am losing my inherit identity. I didn't realised that by being a throughly set of modernist i lost all of this. You see my father is the type that loves researching about ancestral root. He goes all over malaysia trying to find lost relative and sometimes along the way he found really interesting story. Sometimes like a fable story you might think.It is a legend but nonetheless you regard it with humor. My father try drumming into my head to remind of me that you cannot run from your past and you have to tell your future generation about the ancestor.If you ask people nowdays how many can tell you exactly where they come from. I can recall the story of my great2 grandfather 7 generation back not because i want to but because my father has been telling this since i was little. Now i have 2 choice: to forget and pretend to my future generation that i don't know anything or i can tell them and they can regard me as a fantastic story teller as i regard my father but they know who they are. This is no simple choice because the choice i make affected their life. I am glad that my father makes the later choice because then i can make choice to accept where i come from and make peace with it or forever ignore about it. I am not sure if i am the only one who is stressing the fact about my malay identity but i feel lost if i don't know anything about it. To grow up believing that being a malay is a shame because malay is identified with lazy,stupid,people who dwelled on the past and much more negative thinking. It is hard for me to finally accept me as a malay and be proud of it. To be modernist is to forsaken our tradition. Are really striving to become a modern society that practise negative rights? negative rights is as long as you don't interfere with me,i am fine with you provided you don't dangers me. Do we really want to be a set of individualist? To be unsatisfied with our life? To not have a sense of we are? Only a few people who can lives with themselves and be satisfied with what they have become? But what about the rest of us who don't have enough strength to create a nestling that is haven enough to be satisfied with what we are? What have we become?

Mélange à Trois

"Pay attention, Heather," I said aloud. "He lied to you because it was convenient and amusing. He wanted you to feel disoriented and small-minded, to mistrust your own senses. And it nearly worked. He almost had you convinced that black was white."
I really made the most of my melodramatic crystalline epiphany, all the more because it was a sham, a bit of home theater. I had known on some level from the start, of course, that he'd taken the damn thing, just as I had sensed, from the moment I saw it, that this grinder wasn't mine.
And my entire frenzied search — Look what you made me do to myself — also had been a kind of acting out, a pretense of taking him at his word, an attempt to pin someone down whose very appeal to me originally had been his refusal to be defined.
And yet this was a boyfriend who made fantastic vegetarian dinners, told me I was beautiful, really got my sense of humor, lavished attention on my cats and bought me funky green rubber boots that actually fit. A boyfriend I seldom thanked for his everyday kindness, so invested was I in my sense of being rooked. And though he had said it for the wrong reasons, it was entirely possible I had no idea what really mattered.

Every Saturday morning I will wake up excitedly and thinking if my favorite column is changed. My favorite column in the whole times.com is modern love. You see it is not the fictional romance that you paid 8 buck to read a love story that never exist and only imaginary and far superior than this world. It is true story that people goes through. It doesn't exactly end in happy ending. Sometimes people divorce and that is a fact. The writer feels empty and lost but at the end she found that is a salvation. Maybe it wasn't just meant to be. It tells us to be accepting. Last week it's about a mother that kill herself on her daughter 16th birthday her daughter write from her perspective what happens after that and that she always realized that her mother wasn't the typical person. She didn't accept the fact that her mother kill herself and for that she never celebrates her birthday but as time goes by she finally understood what drove her mother to that brink. And on her 50th birthday or close her granddaughter was born and looks exactly like her dead mother and feels that is was somehow reincarnation. Well anyway that is not point today. Valentine is approaching and even though I am not celebrating it because I think it is silly doesn't mean I am not affected by it. This morning I read this article title mélange' a trois which means a small collection or like a small garden or small zoo you get what I mean right .I was trying to find a description about when a person loves you this is how exactly he should make you feel. It is not his messiness, the thing that he does that drives you nuts or why he can't call or why he is late. If he makes us feel beautiful and kind toward us and somehow makes us realized that life is not zero entropy. Even the second thermodynamics law states entropy must be greater than zero or the process is not possible. Life is not meant to be control and rigid. Lie is wrong but in certain cases where the other person might burst into anger unnecessarily why don't we spare them by lying? Everyone would say that I rather know the truth but I don't think we are all built to accept a frank truth. If we accepted truth as plain and ugly as it was don't you think life is rather depressing? If we can accept truth then why the little thing calls confidence is important? Confidence is a little white lie that we told to ourselves each day. We told ourselves that life is going to be better, that I am beautiful, that people don't know what are they missing and it is okay to be me. Plain truth somebody out there might don't like us, that some people don't think we are beautiful and life is not getting better. If truth is said out in the open like this I'm sure the rate of suicide is climbing like rocket. What I meant to say is be thankful for someone who treats us kind. Sometimes that person maybe doesn't help with our life but we have to remember for all the fun that we have together you have to forgive them. If you are mad every time at someone who doesn't help you each time life is rather tiring isn't it?

Friday night can be so melancholy

Falling in love as I have been told and read is like a never ending spiral that seems to goes out of proportion. It blew out your life. The wind has never felt the same, the green grass seems more delicious and the sun shone brighter. It feels like an eternity and the time that you spend is count like infinity. Mathematics cannot describe it and the equation fails. A person who is in love makes the worst and the best decision. I don't know if that is the truth but on this Friday night I seem to feel a little bit lonely. I have no one to spend my Friday night with although that isn't much a big deal. A part of growing up is to learn to be lonely. I remember how excited I will on each Friday night because then at precisely pm my sisters would call and said they will be arriving in Malacca at precisely at 10.15pm. I'm happy and excited but I never show it. I feel happy because for 1 day and a half I would feel like I have a sister. I hate when they went back to kl at 3pm on Sunday. It seems that gray week that dawned is back again and I will have to wait again for Friday night. This happens 9 years and you might think everyone will get used to it but I never did. I hate when somebody leaves me but in my sister case I don't have a choice but I do have a choice with other people. I realized it is not fair but I think that I deserved that to do to other people. My ethics professor told me that today people used more I feel that I think. I'm used to write I feel rather than I think but my Prof's opinion is when people used the word feel it means they aren't thinking with their rationale mind but more with feeling. To used the word feel is to show that you aren't sure with you opinion and people today cares too much what other people might be thinking to state an opinion and that is a shame. Back to what I was writing right now in us Friday night is lonely. None of my friend is in and I realized that they have lives not like they don't invite me to go out. But I never feel I want to go out. My ideal things to do is more likely read a book while drinking something that is sweet or bitter hot or maybe cold .While listening to my favorite music piece. That too may seem dull and the last resort anyone would do. But to me that is the most perfect things to do. I do love socializing but to go out without a purposed is just useless to me. What can a bored person would do to entertain me? If he is bored with himself than I would certainly be bored with him. That just seems logic to me.